ENNUI- This is one of those days where I have this feeling of tiredness, not the physical one, but the thinking part. I don't want to think about anything anymore, even choosing what food to buy this morning froze me.
The routine, the repetitions, the recurrence, the pattern...it's mind numbing. But this also the time when the mind wanders off into the deep.
What if this is ever recurring, what if we all experience this before and is just reliving this infinite predetermined cycle.
Even thinking about this makes me wonder why any one could wish for an immortal life. I mean, even in ancient myths and literature, the gods in their ennui with eternity go down here on Earth to meddle in human affairs, to play with their weaknesses and humble then in their pride, have affairs with their women, bore children, instigate wars, to test them, participate and then die with them in battles to gain the poor mortals' adorations and worship.
The absurdity of existence is something to think about. It is an exercise in futility that may lead to despair. Many people live and die without even thinking about it. Maybe they find the question utterly useless and what is important to them is the daily fight or flight for survival, or to avoid pain and engage their whole life in the pursue of treasure in order to live a life of pleasure. But does that cure despair?
Thinking about this, even the end, the culmination of the promises of religion is the latter, an eternal life devoid of pain, eternal joy and ecstacy, no tears, the very opposite of what mortals' endure here on this little piece of rock that orbits the sun.
Heaven's description in most religious scriptures is not transcendental, it is at it's very essence a materialistic pursuit of what was denied to most people in their short existence. It is the freedom from oppression, it is the liberty to enjoy what their earthly masters have taken from them and is denied to them.
Answers varies with each individual, but I am happy for those people who have found it in their religions, in their beliefs, they have the meaning of their existence in the existence of a higher and transcendental existence.
In the end, when I think about religions, when I think about how humanity have died, killed, and done beautiful things in its name, one question remained to trouble me: all that for eternal life?
How I envy people who can find rest and meaning with their beliefs.
Sometimes I wonder how God will judge us. Will he be kind to the people who are lost, who ask a lot of questions, who doubts and lacks faith, will he come hard on them or will he smite them to burn in everlasting fire. Or like some human beings, he loves dogs and hates cats.
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