A deacon's unussual story

A not so typical Deacon’s story

I am church deacon. As a deacon, one of my ceremonial functions is to assist in the Lord’s Table. I like the job because of the aura of holiness and “spiritual seniority” it bestows upon the deacons. But…here’s another crazy story:

It was during my third time to assist in this solemn occasion that tested my willpower. Rev. Galvez, the officiating minister, gave us the loaves of the unleavened bread for breaking and the grape juice for distribution. But we were having difficulty breaking the bread for the Albania’s, who owns the bakery that supplied the bread, perhaps, maybe, just added water to the flour and baked them for what came out was cement hard bread. People were already chuckling, but I didn’t pay much attention to them for I was taking my deaconship seriously.

But when it was time for the blessing of the bread, the Rev. Galvez finding it difficult to break the bread, just took one whole loaf, raised it and solemnly prayed. (This was most unusual in our church for we were used to seeing the Pastor just take a small piece.) I kept hearing people whispering, “Look at the pastor’s bread its huge”. “He’s including his lunch”. “The reverend forgot his breakfast”. “He needs a gallon of grape juice for that one”. The funniest remark was from a child who blurted out, “Mommy, ang laki ng tinapay o!” I turned my head to the left to avoid looking at the minister and the bread. But looking at the congregation holding back their laughter was even worse. Some were already giggling. I even saw someone stoop up and went downstairs, maybe to laugh his heart out. Aside from trying to keep from laughing (all that trapped air does something to your system) I also had to keep from “depressurizing”, you know, like those old air brakes. Fortunately the ceremony ended without any outbursts of laughter or “depressurizations”.

I can’t forget the look on the senior ladies faces when they received their portions of the bread. Because most of them were toothless and had dentures, they just kept on sucking on the bread till it melted (that is well long after the service). People with healthy teeth found the bread so tough that they sounded like eating roasted corn.

I think it’s time I propose to the church council to use mamon or cupcakes or jelly ace for the Lord’s Table.

Then there was grape juice incident. Maybe the person in charge of the preparation was just too busy or maybe just forgot to dilute the grape juice with water or she dilluted it with too little water. For when the Rev. Galvez blessed the juice and we drank in remembrance of the Lord. I had to keep from jumping. My gulay, the stuff tasted like raw vinegar.

It’s very difficult to erase from memory the sight of the whole congregation puckering and shaking their heads in unison, add to that the look on the Rev. Galvez’ face and what you have is a formula for a successful muriatic acid ad.

It was really a blessing that the cement hard bread and the hyper-acidic grape juice incident didn’t happen at the same time, for if it did, the whole congregation might just blurt out laughing uncontrollably. We would be the first Southern Baptist Church in the Philippines (or the world) to experience the Pentecostal phenomenon of Holy laughter but with an original addition—fartus sanctificus.

(Don’t ask.)

To think that Luther, Calvin, and Zwingli almost went to battle against each other for they’re differing interpretations of the Lord’s Supper makes you wonder what would have been their reactions if they were at the Evangelical Christian Baptist Church during these occasions. I think they would have aborted the reformation and just stayed good Roman Catholics.