Thursday, February 01, 2007

Excerpts from Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex

By: Larry Niven

What turns on a kryptonian?

Superman is an alien, an extraterrestrial. His humanoid frame is doubtless the result of parallel evolution. A specific niche in the ecology calls for a certain shape, size, etc. Be not deceived by appearances. Superman is not a homo sapiens. What arouses Kal-Els mating urge?
What ever it is, Lois Lane probably doesn’t have it. We may assume that she smells wrong, less like a kryptonian woman than like at errestrial monkey. A mating between Superman and Louis Lane would feel like sodomy.

Assume a mating between superman and a human woman LL.

The problem is this. During orgasms one loses control over one’s muscles. Superman has been known to leave finger prints in steel and in hardened concrete, accidentally. What would he do to the woman in his arms during what amounts to an epileptic fit?

Consider the driving urge between a man and a woman, the monomaniacal urge to achieve greater and greater penetration.

Superman would literally crush LL’s body in his arms, while simultaneously ripping her open from crotch to sternum, gutting her like a trout.

Lastly, he’d blow off the top of her head. Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it, Kal-El’s semen would emerge with a muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet. (One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with holes during Superboy’s puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice that?)

Niven also analyzed the possibility and the complications of artificial insemination between Superman and LL; like how supersperms will behave inside LL’s ovary, the possibility of all the sperms fertilizing all LL’s eggs, how birthing will be for LL, instead of caesarian delivery the superbaby (or babies) will just rip LL’s stomach and run amok flying and whizzing around the nursery etc.

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