Videoke and Election

I say this, and I will say this, again and again and again. I will say this with the sincerity of a sincere concerned patriotic citizen of the Republic of the Philippines my beloved country that Ninoy Aquino declared is worth dying for. I am saying this with the seriousness of a Gloria Macapagal Arroyo declaring she did not talked with Garci, with the same seriousness of a Mirriam Defensor Santiago saying that she’ll jump out of a plane (I lied, the fungus said), with the same seriousness of a Tessie Oreta Aquino apologizing when she danced the cha-cha during the Erap trial (I’m sorry, with tears induced by sinusitis), and I am saying this with the seriousness of a Tito Sotto trying to justify his turncoatism by saying that Eat Bulaga has changed channels so why can’t he, it’s for the people anyway….yeah…Agalub Tae…Itaktak mo muka mo.

As I was saying, what I’m trying to say is that the government ought to regulate those experimental Japanese psychological weapons, the Videoke machines. I don’t know if the Philippine National Police will admit this, but statistically speaking Videoke machine related crimes far outnumbered drug related crimes. The tabloids report that Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” alone is directly (by stabbing or shooting the singer) and indirectly (by throwing the videoke machine at the singer killing the singer and his/her companions) responsible for an average of three deaths and fifteen injuries a night. I am sure that if we include the songs of April Boy Regino, Air Supply, Scorpion, Imelda Papin, Eva Eugenio, Jaya, Regine, Tom Jones, Matt Monroe…etc. The figure would be staggering; genocidal, may I say.

I will vote for a candidate for national office who will promise to enact a law regulating videoke machines.

These are my suggestions: Licenses should be issued with restriction like those of a driver’s license. Restrictions 1-2 mean that the holder of the license is allowed to sing songs in 1-2 octave voice range. Restrictions 3-4, for the 3-4 octave voice range songs. Restrictions 5-6, for the 5-6 octave voice range songs. etc. Anyone found violating the restrictions would be fined with not less than fifty thousand pieces of peanuts, then the peanuts would be eaten on the spot. Then the offender would drink three glasses of milk and a pint of beer, do a jumping jack thirty times, and then the offender would then be interned in an air-conditioned room without a toilet for four hours. Or the offender could opt for community service hunting down Abu Sayafs in Mindanao armed with a videoke machine gun.

I think it is also time for the Philippines to file diplomatic protests and to sue for reparations against the Imperial Japanese Government for this insidious machine that’s killing Filipinos and causing emotional, psychological, spiritual and anal damages—collateral damages—to innocent Filipinos.

And now these machines are being used in the election campaign. I was passing by our purok hall when I heard someone singing a Lemon and Oranges’ song but the lyrics is “Joric Gcaula for Mayor….blah, blah, blah, Joric Gacula for mayor…blah, blah, blah…”

Mu gulay...