A Sober Observation

This is the classification essay I wrote for my English 4 class. This is accurate based on my experience. Hope you find it…err…interesting and …err…stimulating.

A Sober Observation

Being a former dipsomaniac (alcoholic is a politically inappropriate word) and a veteran of more than 16 years of spiritual appreciation and exploration, I came to the realization that drunks are classifiable. Drunks can be generally classified into four categories: the quiet, the noisy, the crier, and the laugher.

The quiet drinkers are enigmatic. They are treated with caution for they are unreadable hence unpredictable, and the larger their physique the more contagious their silence. Silent drinkers usually have greater drinking stamina for their silence relaxes their blood circulation thus slowing down intoxication. They are also the most respected because they are usually the ones that can go home with their dignity intact.

The noisy drinkers are the most common drunks. They get intoxicated easily. There are two subclasses of noisy drunks one is the life of the party and the other is the nuisance of the party. Life-of-the-parties, as the name implies, are essential for every occasion. They provide the jokes, the stories, the songs and the jovial atmosphere of the drinking session. The nuisance-of-the-parties on the other hand are a different story. They are usually avoided (depending if they are the hosts or the financer of the drinks) like the plague. Their specialties are troubles and fistfights. The nuisance-of-the-parties are usually the nemesis of the silent drinkers, which usually send them home either with a broken tooth or a broken ego.

In order to define the criers and the laughers the four stages of drinking or drunkenness must be first understood. There is the preliminary stage, where factual stories are told and the general atmosphere is one of relaxation. The second stage is the tipsy stage. This is where intelligent and interesting but useless conversation occurs. The third stage is where the criers usually manifest themselves—the emotional stage. In this stage conversations usually centers on reminiscing, reliving past adventures, and ruing on lost loves. Stories revolve on the joys of youth, what could’ve been and what could not have been. This stage is also where the never-ending promise of friendship and undying loyalty is exchanged unceasingly. It is interesting to note that criers are usually stoical when not drunk.

The laughers are different. They usually appear on the fourth stage of drunkenness—the vomiting stage. In this stage hiccups, yawns, tongue clacks, and even farts are normal. And this is where the good-natured weakness of the laughers appears. They first giggle, then snorts, and then eventually burst out laughing while pointing at the suspected source of the strange emanations i.e. farts--anything can trigger the laughers into violent laughter. The weird thing about them is their laughing stamina. While most normal drunks get exhausted with prolong laughing they, on the other hand, seemed to have an endless supply of air. Laugher’s wives even reported that their husbands laugh even in their sleep. Laughers usually have the worst hang over and painful jaws are not an uncommon occurrence. You can see them in the morning holding their jaws and asking if someone hit them with a baseball bat or something.

There are other sub classifications of the drunks, there’s the Kung Fu (kung pumulutan todo), the ninjas (ninjan palagi asawa) which causes great discomforts to the fellowship, and the Dizons ( Disundo ng asawa).
You can make your own classification for the drunks based on your own criteria, but I think this is the best classification and sub classification you can find.